Steve Waid: Santa’s last-minute gifts for NASCAR guys
Roush Fenway Racing's Carl Edwards talks to reporters at Pocono Raceway in June.
// Sam Cranston, NASCAR Scene
COMMENTARY
It is Christmas Eve at the North Pole.
Santa Claus has had a rough year. The economic downturn forced him to lay off 15 elves, Rudolph’s nose was burning at 200 watts because he had been hitting the egg nog again and there wasn’t a single Wii or Zhu Zhu Pet in stock, which meant that hundreds of wishes couldn’t be fulfilled.
“And if all of that isn’t enough,” Santa thought to himself, “I still don’t know what the heck to get some of these NASCAR drivers. Seems they have everything.”
He decided to get help. He pressed a button on his intercom.
“Mikey, get in here,” he said.
Almost instantly an elf entered the room. He had black hair and a thick, black mustache. He looked like a pint-sized Italian tenor or a Mexican bandit from a bad Western movie.
“What’s up, boss?” Mikey asked. “You want some milk and cookies?”
“Would love some but Mrs. Claus has me on a diet again,” Santa said. “Look, I need you to help me out here. It’s getting late and we have to come up with gifts for some NASCAR drivers.”
“Why bother? They’ve got everything anyway. Most of ‘em are the reason there’s not a Wii left in the stock room.”
“Yeah, I know,” Santa said. “I’m not sure but I think Elliott Sadler has four of ‘em. Still, we’ve got to hand out a few more gifts.”
Mikey produced a pad and pencil.
“OK, boss, who’s first?” he said.
Mikey’s black eyebrows arched.
“Now THERE’s a guy who has everything,” he said.
“Which makes it all that tougher for us,” Santa said.
In deep thought, Mikey tapped the pencil on the pad.
“Hey, I got it!” he said. “Let’s get him a golf cart. His personality seems to get much more effusive when he’s on one of those!”
“Great idea!” Santa said. “Call Tiger – uh – call Arnie and see if he can recommend a model.”
“Will do,” said Mikey. “Who’s next?”
“Mark Martin.”
“Good grief, Santa,” Mikey said. “One thing is certain. We can’t send him another rocking chair. We’ve done that three times already.”
“You’re right about that,” Santa said. “Last I heard he had given them to the Salvation Army.
“Look let’s keep this one simple. Get him some For Men Only hair-dye stuff and a video of the Mr. Universe competition.”
“Done,” said Mikey. “Next?”
“Carl Edwards.”
“Well, Santa,” Mikey said, “I got an idea. But how do you wrap a victory?”
“You don’t,” Santa responded.
Then his face lit up.
“I got it!” he said. “Let’s send him a new Frisbee! Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Santa, you won’t do at all!” said Mikey, laughing. “Who’s next?”
“Tony Stewart.”
“I’m not sure we’ve done too good with those Dale Carnegie and Dr. Phil books in the past,” Mikey said, “although he’s been a good boy this year. If you ask me, I think he could use a razor.”
“Naw, that’s not enough,” Santa said. He stroked his beard and thought for a moment.
“I got it!” he said. “Get a hold of the Jenny Craig people and let’s set him up!”
Mikey scribbled rapidly on the pad.
“Next?” he asked.
“Kyle Busch.”
“You know Santa, things have been tough this year and the budget has been tight,” Mikey said.
“I know that,” Santa said. “What are you getting at?”
“Let’s send Kyle some of those Dale Carnegie and Dr. Phil books,” Mikey said. “All they are doing in the stock room is collecting dust.”
“Great idea,” Santa said.
“Done,” Mikey said. “Next?”
“I think these two guys are the last on the list,” Santa said. “Denny Hamlin and Brad Keselowski.”
“Boxing gloves?” Mikey asked.
“No, we don’t want to encourage anything,” Santa replied. “Wait a minute. What’s the name of that boxing toy we’ve got stored in the attic? We haven’t sent out any one of them in years.”
“You mean those Rock-em, Sock-em Robot things?” Mikey asked.
“That’s it!” Santa said. “Dust a couple of ‘em off and get ‘em on the way.”
Sighing, Santa sat back in his chair.
“Well, that’s it,” he said to Mikey.
“Hate to bring this up, but we have another problem,” Mikey said. “Seems Rudolph is more blitzed than Blitzen.”
“Never mind,” Santa said. “Not going to use the reindeer this year anyway. Come with me to the stables and I’ll show you what Toyota gave us.”
